Focusing On The Things That Keep Us Watching

“I Just Don’t Know What To Do.”

Thank the good Lord it’s Friday, GHers!

Forgive me for not posting yesterday. Not only was I still trying to recover from the Spencer Overdose, I had a very emotional day. The final reports from my surgeons told a story I just wasn’t prepared to read in black and white, even though I kinda knew how it would read. Due to the extent of my injuries, which ย only got worse after surgeries to correct the problem, I am unable to do my job anymore. The thing for me is that this was perhaps a job, but it was never work. I adored my job, and the only reason I ever agreed to keep having surgeries even after waking up with an infection that almost killed me, losing my hearing in one ear from the antibiotics I was given, and then sustaining damage to the level above the level they were fixing on my spine, was because I kept hoping that somehow, I would get “fixed” and be able to return. Looking back with 20/20 hindsight, yes, it’s clear to see that I was in denial. I guess I was just having a hard time dealing with what I have known my whole life: that sometimes God allows big changes in our lives for reasons we may never know, but He knows, and that should have been enough for me. Lesson learned. The one reason I do know this life change has been a a blessing is that had I never been forced to stop teaching, I would have never found my way to starting Bella Mafia, or to all of the fabulous friends I’ve made here.

How can I not be grateful for that?

For those who’ve asked me about the Stelly Event, I held out on answering this long because once again, I was hoping for a miracle. When the event was announced, I thought it would be right in Manhattan, that my sister and/or Karina would be going with me, and that maybe we’d stay in the City overnight and make a weekend of it, with some of you, my dearest friends I have yet to meet. (Creature of comforting habits). However, when I found out that a) the event was in Long Island City, a location I am not familiar with at all, and that b) because of the date, neither my daughter or sister could go with me due to previous commitments, everything went downhill fast. Because of the serious and unexpected complications after almost every surgery, I developed anxiety and PTSD a couple of years back. I can never anticipate what my reactions will be to noise or crowds, and without having my daughter or sister there to talk me through it, or even medicate me, as I tend to panic so much I cannot even think to reach for my meds myself sometimes, I was just overwhelmed at the thought of navigating the evening on my own. Add to that the fact that my husband was always worried sick that a misstep or a trip caused by the mass human traffic in NYC could send me right back to the hospital, and it was just too much to deal with mentally. Just thinking about it would give me palpitations. Believe me, it was such a difficult decision to make, as this was my dream come true – A JaSam Event on the East Coast! ย I kept hoping that something would change, and that at the last minute my sister would call me and say, “I’m In!”, but as of yet, it hasn’t happened. I guess I will have to live out my dream vicariously though all of you! *tears*

I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I will be thinking of you all EVERY SINGLE MINUTE!ย 



Some people are better with change than others. I am not one of those people. ๐Ÿ˜‰ I have lived in the same town my whole life, had the same job for my entire adult life, and *whispers* really hate change.

Now, I seem to be on the same wavelength as Sam and Jason.

“I Just Don’t Know What To Do.”

Seems most of Port Charles was feeling the same way.

When Luke showed up at the hospital, it seemed he had shown up for his intervention, part deux. Lulu was all over him for taking Aiden, putting him in the car, and bringing him to the hospital. She just couldn’t believe that after what happened with Jake, Luke would take that kind of a chance with Lucky’s and Liz’s baby boy. But, not that I am surprised, Lulu read his mind and figured out why Luke did it: Redemption. As we had the advantage in that we were the only witnesses to what Lucky was so desperately asking him to do, Lulu came off as incredibly judgmental and harsh, but in fairness, I guess it sounded a bit crazy to everyone else that Lucky would just call out of the blue and beg Luke to race Aiden to the hospital. Even more crazy-sounding must have been to hear from the medical staff that Aiden did in fact need to get to the hospital immediately and Luke getting him there when he did may be his only fighting chance. Which leaves Luke in a very uncomfortable position, He’s used to being hated, being blamed for all the bad stuff that happens to his children, but to hear that he may have actually helped them? It left Luke thinking,ย “I Just Don’t Know What To Do.”

Robin has had quite a few things going on during her tenure as the Chief of Staff, and she has had to make a bunch of tough decisions. Some were not popular, and some were even less popular. Yet the decision she was faced with on Thursday, was by far one of the most complicated she has ever had to make. On one side, she had veteran staffer and former COF, Monica suggesting they call the police for the bruises, since she feels Liz has been a bit neglectful (she never said abusive) in caring for her boys, as she is rarely the one doing the caring for. (No one could argue with Monica there) On the other end, she had Steve telling her that Aiden needs Maggie, while Robin reminded Maggie that she’s not on staff yet because she failed to follow protocol, and Maggie countering that it should be more important to save a life than to worry about paperwork. Decisions, decisions. Of course Robin was thinking, “I Just Don’t Know What To Do.” There was potential for something to go wrong with each of those scenarios, but in the end, Robin chose the one that might give Aiden his best fighting chance, and that was to let Maggie evaluate and try to diagnose.

When it was all said and done, and Liz did her long, sad walk to be with Aiden, Monica was thinking,ย “I Just Don’t Know What To Do,” as sheย struggled with apologizing to Liz for being so truthful. Incredibly, I agreed with Lulu when she said to Monica, “Hey, you lost Jake, too.” Honestly, I give the writers a lot of credit. They are obviously hearing the viewers’ opinions when it comes to the slut-who’s-written-as-a-saint. I call the GH comment lines daily – and I always let them know what I loved and didn’t love so much about the show. Many times, I have said that it really bothers me how Liz always has her kids at daycare, or with Gram, while she’s out doing her own thing (or doing some one, as is most often the case). It especially bothered me after Jake was hurt and she was at Wyndemere getting slammed into walls, it infuriated me when they were whisked off to Gram’s in the dead of night so she could go stop Nikolas from taking off on his jet, and mostly after Jake’s death, because I think her boys, namely Cam, needed her to be close during that time, yet she had time to go harass Nik and Brooklyn, and then Lucky and his new wife. I have also let them know how irksome it is for her to always play the victim around the men in her life, whether it be Lucky, Nik, Ethan, Matt, Dante, Jason, or anyone else. It’s as if she is allergic to men who are unattached, but becomes obsessed with needing them once they are with other people… like Rebecca, Brooklyn, Siobhan, and Sam. Liz is the worst kind of manipulator, and never EVER has to pay for any of her actions because she ALWAYS finds a way to become the fragile victim just in the nick of time! AND I have told them this, as I am sure many of you have! For instance, when she cheated on Lucky with his brother, and ended up pregnant AGAIN with another man’s child, Lucky couldn’t even write her out of his life because she went and dangled her little feet off the roof of the hospital, and needed to be rescued, rather than written off. When Monica confronted her about Jake, she blamed it on her and Jason, when Jason basically begged to tell his mother. But even then, she stuck out that 5-year-old’s pout, and whined about the danger it would mean for Jake to keep telling people (even though she told Luke and Laura – the non-biological grandparents, without even discussing it with Jason) When she slammed into Jason and Carly, and basically killed Siobhan, no one even questioned her because she was chasing Lucky down like a blood hound, and Dante felt sorry for her. Therefore, I thought Monica’s dialogue towards Liz, though maybe hard to hear for Liz fans, was RIGHT ON THE MONEY, and really the voice for all of us who are tired of the rusted-halo-wearing-toppled-pedastal-sitting Liz shedding a tear, and getting exactly what she wants! So, thank you, writers, for finally hearing us all. And GO MONICA!

I take from the ratings for last week that viewers are trying to send a very clear message to the GH writers, and that message is that putting women in the powerless position where they could be raped, especially as a motive to get to the men in their lives, is not something they are fond of. However, that being said, I must ย declare that Steve Burton and Kelly Monaco are bringing to this story such a vulnerability and a really complex mix of emotions, that I find myself crying through most of them. I know that this is a storyline that not everyone can watch, but the one thing it has done is make people FEEL, and FEEL DEEPLY. We owe that to Steve and Kelly. I hope that those of you who will be spending Saturday night with them will let them know just what a PHENOMENAL JOB they are doing!

As for Sam, my heart comes apart at the seams it needed to repair it since her last scene, at the very sight of her. She is trying so hard to make herself seem okay, for Spinelli, for Jason, and yes, even for herself. When Jason questioned her about asking Spinelli to stay, and she explained to Jason why she wants things and people who make her feel secure around her, I was immediately in tears. For Sam, who cannot connect with what (they assume) happened, it’s a lot easier to behave as though it didn’t. It’s a lot easier, and a lot more understandable that Sam would just turn to denial and shutting down at the very thought of it, much less discussions about it. Think about the possibility of having been through one of the most horrific things that could ever happen to anyone. If given the unbelievable option of never remembering a single moment of it, would you want to sit and discuss it over and over? There are times when the body itself does that very thing for us, after a traumatic event. It just sends that memory so far back or deep down that we can’t reach it, at times until the body thinks we can, and sometimes not at all. Yet, though Sam cannot recall a single thing about her (assumed) attack, she is forced to face Jason, who walks around tortured every single moment by what he did see.

And herein lies the crux of our problem.ย 

Jason is a protector by nature. He wants to fix this for Sam, erase it for her, and make it better. Those are all things he has said to her. Those are all things none of us would have any trouble believing about Jason. But I imagine that for Sam, it grates on her ears, much the way it is when you are in excruciating pain, and someone says, “I wish I could take your pain for you”, because you know that’s impossible. In the same vein, it must be so hard for Jason to have to fold up his imaginary superhero cape and put it away around Sam, because there are no super powers or magic words that could help Sam here, unless he could roll back time and change the course of Franco’s plan. So, Jason is basically out of his element, off-kilter, and basically at a loss. His heart is shredding to pieces every single time he looks at Sam, remembers what happened while he looked on, but couldn’t stop it, and sees the walls going up, between them. Jason obviously read the pamphlet, and is trying to do all he can to keep Sam within arm’s reach, if not actually in his arms. I thought telling Sam, “I love you so much,” was just the right thing to say at just the right time, because Sam really needed to hear that she is still lovable to Jason, the way she heard it before any of this happened. It had to be one of those things that makes her feel secure.

How many of you lost it when Jason finally worked up the courage to hand Sam the pamphlet? *sobbing* Did you all think about how hard it was for Jason to even suggest this to Sam? Only love could drive someone to get over their own fears and doubts about a process like counseling or group therapy, and suggest it for the woman you love, even though it would take Jason out of the equation to help her. *bawling* I was so proud of him!

In turn, I absolutely sympathized with her when Sam told Jason that she could not sit with women she has nothing in common with, and hear their violent and awful stories, because she cannot remember anything violent or awful (Thank you, soap gods!) This was like another spark of hope, because when Sam woke up in Hawaii and told Jason what she remembered, she said “next thing I knew, you were in the bed with me.” Which means that she had a glimpse of a memory while drugged. I would think that if Franco had truly attacked her, that memory would have been made up of more than remembering Jason being in the bed with her. That’s my hope, and I’m not letting it go!

Sam struggling to try to get Jason to understand where she was coming from, and then telling him that she needed to be alone for a while just about tore my heart out. Jason’s expression so clearly showed how hearing that from his new bride affected him. I am glad, but broken, that Sam expressed how she loves Jason, and therefore, seeing him walk around with all of that pain in his eyes makes her want to hold him, and help him get through it, but she just can’t right now. Not until she figures out how to help herself. ย *sniveling*ย 

Jason needing Sam to point out that he too, was Franco’s victim, may be something that Jason seems to not have put together until that very moment when Sam said it, and yet it may be the one detail that might allow these two to consider that the attack was really on Jason, and not Sam. At least, I can dream.

I know those closing scenes of Jason and Sam were heartbreaking, but they were also hopeful. Jason and Sam were finally able to connect physically, even if it was just by holding hands. I thought it was such a tender moment when they were holding hands, and Jason struggled with letting go of Sam’s, because it was a parallel to how hard it is for Jason to let Sam go have her time alone, when all he wants to do is pick her up and carry her upstairs, where he can hold her all night.

It’s just tragic and beautiful all at the same time, friends! *applause*

Mr. Wolf was not lying when he said that “this was not a sweeps story…It’s a love story”. The storyline is beautifully written when it comes to the love Jason and Sam share, and the acting couldn’t be any more flawless. The test here will really be how we get through it. Will we be able to ride this out to the end, or will it be something that makes us lose heart?

I’d like to challenge you to believe in the power of the lug nut, and all that it meant to Jason and Sam: indestructible, strong, and simple.ย Just like their love for each other. No matter how things look, or how far away they may seem at times, we need to remember that Jason and Sam are not that easily taken down. They will get through this, as long as we help each other get through this and keep supporting the LOVE STORY we can never lose sight of.ย 

It is more important than ever to call, write, tweet, and email DAILY to let TPTB know that you may not have a Neilsen box, but you are watching, and you are ย watching every moment of The Morgan’s Love Story!

Did I mention the word DAILY???


Please give Steve and Kelly lots of love from Bella Mafia, and from me!

I love you all!




27 responses

  1. Fylicia'Marie

    I’m so sorry to hear (or read) the finality of your ability to return to teaching. I am fairly new (just a little over a month shy of a year) to Bella Mafia, but I’d so hoped that you would been telling harrowing tells of updating the blog during nap time for the kids. However, I’m encouraged that you are a Believer and understand that God’s love for you is unchanging and He has reasons for everything, even if we don’t understand them. I truly thank Him that I found this site, do be encouraged and continue to lean not into your own understanding ๐Ÿ™‚ . Outstanding post, I knew you would help us see

    November 18, 2011 at 10:27 am

    • Thanks, Fylicia!
      Thanks for taking the time to read and support. Bella Mafia has changed my life,
      and it’s because all of you!
      Thanks for the encouragement!
      It means so much to me!

      November 20, 2011 at 12:21 am

  2. Deborah

    It reminds me of when they had to give up Hope (in more way than one). Jason didn’t know how to help Sam even though they were both hurting. When they were leaving their house in Hawaii and Sam said “I just want it to be over!”, Jason just hung his head like it was never going to be.
    I hope things work out for the event Saturday night. My plane gets in at 5 and I have to leave at 8 Sunday morning, so I’m definitely cutting it close. (As soon as I get back to Chicago, I’m getting in a car to drive to Florida) I’m not even buying my event ticket until I’m at the door, just in case. If I could, I would swoop you up, meds and all, so you could join the fun.

    November 18, 2011 at 10:31 am

    • Aww, Deb!
      That is just so sweet of you!
      I am hoping that you are having the time of your life, that will be enough for me!

      Have a safe flight back to Chicago, and a wonderful trip to Florida!
      Have fun, be safe!

      Luv ya!

      November 20, 2011 at 12:19 am

  3. Dear friend, for the first time since I moved to the southern states I find myself wishing I were still in NY where I was actually born. I would find you and bring you to the Stelly event,myself, just as Deborah wanted to do. Don’t despair, just heal the best you can and know that we all love you, even if we are never lucky enough to meet. You have many God given talents, not the least of which is your journalism skill. I hope that is something you can draw on now. Writing this blog is one way, and there are most likely more that God will show you along the way. You know you have our prayers, and our gratitude for showing us the way to keep the faith throughout this sad JaSam story. We are with you “in spirit” today and every day, and will be supporting JaSam, and you, faithfully.
    Be Blessed………..Much love,and thank you……………

    November 18, 2011 at 11:51 am

    • Honestly, Sarah!
      I am just overwhelmed by all the love and kindness you guys have shown me.
      You are all so wonderful and generous!

      Thank you for your encouraging words, not just today, but since the start!
      You will always be my Sweet Sarah!


      November 20, 2011 at 12:17 am

  4. trini

    Thanks for being so transparent about your struggles. I wish I was going to the Jasam event because I would offer to help you. I am a mental health professional and can handle your symptoms. Besides I have a personal history with anxiety.

    Now about GH – I agree with everything you said. Let’s also remember that Jason made Sam a cowrie shell necklace and that is the only thing she took back from Hawaii.*wink wink*

    Be blessed – lots of love to you

    November 18, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    • Wow! How fabulous is that? Well maybe GH will be on long enough the someday we will be able to meet at an event,
      now that I know I will have someone to help me through! Anxiety sucks, huh?

      And also – she took that necklace off before Franco’s arrival, and it didn’t go back on til AFTER he was gone!
      * wink *

      November 20, 2011 at 12:15 am

  5. trini

    Oh, today I was reading Hebrews 11 – I think you might find it applicable to your situation.

    November 18, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    • One of my favorite chapters – the Hall Of Fame of Faith!
      I read it all the time to remind me that no one ever made it there without
      facing trials in life!
      Thanks for sharing that with me!

      November 20, 2011 at 12:13 am

  6. Jessica

    I know that officially you will not be teaching anymore but I feel that everyday as I read your blog, you teach me something new and valuable. Not only do you teach us about the value of our soap opera and our couple but about love, friendship and everything else that comes with life.

    Thank you for sharing your story and being a teacher to me, I cannot say enough how grateful I am to read this blog everyday.

    November 18, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    • Jessica, you made me cry – in a good way.
      Those were some of the nicest words I’ve ever heard about myself! ๐Ÿ˜‰
      Truly, I am the one who is grateful for all of you. You guys cannot even
      being to imagine just how much you guys have kept me from losing sight of
      how blessed I am. Every comment, every day reminds me that I still have
      an important work to do.
      Luv ya, Angelique

      November 20, 2011 at 12:11 am

  7. Angie,
    I am so sorry that you will not be able to return to teaching, I know how hard you worked to try and get back to doing what you love. However you are always teaching.. you have three beautiful children that learn from you everyday, not to mention nieces, nephews and all of us.. You my friend are still teaching, touching and changing lives, just in a different way!

    Oh how I wished I could have made it to NY for the Jasam event, and all the plans we made while texting the night away could have played out they way we planned. If only they had picked a weekend that I didn’t have company coming we would have been there together and together we could have kept both of our anxiety issues in check.. you and me *like this*. One day my friend one day!

    Aloha No Au Ia ‘Oe!

    November 18, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    • Thanks, Becky!
      Yeah, I tried everything, and at least I will never look back and think, “If only I had done this…or that.”
      I gave it my all. It just wasn’t meant to be.
      I am thankful to have this new “job” you guys have all trusted me to do…trying to keep us all positive
      and watching! ๐Ÿ˜‰
      You guys saved me. That is all.

      I love you so much!

      November 20, 2011 at 12:07 am

  8. Traveler

    Oh Angelique… Sorry to hear about your struggles. Im like you, Not a Fan of Change.. But Im learning… “Life’s about changing, Nothing ever stays the same”…..

    Kudos to Stelly!!! OMG – They have been AWESOME!! My heart is breaking right along side Jason and Sam’s. Just thinking about them gets me all teary eyed again!! “Sniffles”

    I was lucky enough to see Stelly @ the LA Event in 2010. Im sad I wont be there this time. But I KNOW our JaSammers will report back to us (Via the Websites) all the highlights……

    I know just what to do…. I’m gong to keep the Jasam Faith, that they will get thru this!!!

    November 18, 2011 at 7:15 pm

    • Thank you, my dear, dear friend.
      I’m learning too…slowly, but surely! ๐Ÿ˜‰
      They HAVE been awesome! I know that whatever comes, Steve and Kelly will give us their very best!
      And what else could we ask for?

      Can’t wait to hear about all the fun!
      So happy for everyone who made it!

      JaSam Forever!

      November 20, 2011 at 12:04 am

      • Traveler


        November 20, 2011 at 8:32 pm

  9. Sonia

    Thanks Angelique for this wonderful post.. So sorry to read you could not make it to Jasam PA

    November 18, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    • Thanks, Sonia!
      If you did, I hope you had a fabulous time!

      November 20, 2011 at 12:03 am

  10. alwaysaromantic

    Hi Jasammers!
    Angelique where do I start! Finding Gh Bella Mafia is a Blessing to me and all of us Jasammers! This Blog has inspired all of us in different ways! You have allowed us to be “friends” because of a Soap Opera!
    This was a wonderous surprise all the comments and points of view and a very “Special Bond”! You perspective,your guiding words brings Joy to all of us and I “Thank You”! Its like a Book Club and you are the President! God Closes One Door to Open Another, Always! So what ever Journey you are on many Blessings to you and keep the Faith! GH Bella Mafia and your wonderful writings has done so much for so many! Thank YOU!
    A few words about GH! Jason and Sam just Light up the screen every time they are on! SB and KM have done a fantastic job with this s/l! It Breaks myheart to see them like this,but it is still obvious how much they LOVE each other! I will be very interested in seeing how Spinelli will react when he finds out ! Will he find pieces of the Pamphlet Jason tore up?!
    NOW………Monica made me smile with such satisfaction I had to stand and applaude! I am not upset about the timing either! How many times has Liz not cared about her own “timing”! Finally someone,Jasons Mother called Liz on her crap!Monica did not side step either she almost went for the Jugular!And she stood up for our girl too! For once in a long,long time Lulus expression was priceless! She was like I am not EVEN getting in this!!!!
    We will Hold on Jasammers……….this Love Story is Epic!

    November 18, 2011 at 8:53 pm

    • Thank you so much, my friend!
      Your words had me crying like a baby!
      Totally made me feel better as soon as I read them. *wipes tears*
      It’s so good to know that you guys have found Bella Mafia to be
      what I love about it most. . .a place for all JaSam and GH fans to bond
      and support each other! I am glad that this was the FIRST DOOR God opened
      for me after my surgery. Without it, I don’t know where I’d be!
      I love you guys!

      And I just want you to know that I agree with you on JaSam AND Monica!
      I applauded, too! LOL!
      I’ve been waiting for a long time for someone to call Liz out!

      November 20, 2011 at 12:02 am

  11. Lara

    Every single post of yours always seems to illuminate the feelings that I have but can never say about Jason and Sam. I love your introspective and genuine feeling you put into your writing. I really hope that as they’re saying their love will guide them through this. Of this I wish for you as well. I’m so sorry to hear of your troubles, I hope that you will be granted many greater things in the future.

    November 18, 2011 at 11:40 pm

    • Thanks, Lara, for the kind thoughts.
      It warms my heart to hear from all of you that Bella Mafia is something you enjoy.
      I cannot complain. While I had my career, I enjoyed it to the fullest.
      And right now, I am enjoying Bella Mafia, and all of you!

      November 19, 2011 at 11:56 pm

  12. Karlene

    Dearest Angelique,
    I’m so sorry that you’re not being allowed to do the work that you have done your whole life, which is teaching. That being said, you are doing something that involves it b/c you are teaching on a whole new level by showing everyone that reads this blog the Beauty of General Hospital. If I were still living in NYC/LI, I would go to your house, pick you up and drive us right to the event! No questions asked ๐Ÿ™‚ While my heart is breaking for Jason and Sam, SB and KM are definitely acting their respective butts off and I’m predicting it now but both will be up for Best Actor and Best Actress Emmy Awards come June and I will be really freaking shocked if neither wins w/ the material they have been dealing with lately. Be well my friend.
    JASAM Love Always,
    PS I LOVE MONICA!!!!!! I really think that she is a bigger Jason/Sam fan than The Molly ๐Ÿ˜‰

    November 19, 2011 at 12:09 am

    • Hi, Karlene!
      Thanks so much for the kindness and for the encouragement!
      And it means so much to hear from all of you who wanted to
      get me to the Stelly Event! I just love you all so much!
      I, too, would be SHOCKED if they didn’t earn emmys this year!
      They have been awesome!
      JaSam Love back, dear friend!
      Love ya,

      November 19, 2011 at 11:53 pm

  13. Trudy Harvey

    Hi Angelique, my name’s Trudy. Just wanted to leave a quick comment and tell you how incredible, and brave I think you are! I was introduced to your blog by a fellow fan, two months after your initial post. I adore your insights, and writing style! I SHARE your LOVE of Jason and Sam, and your DISDAIN of ‘muffinface’ aka Elizabeth ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much love and RESPECT!!!

    November 19, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    • Hi, Trudy!
      Awww, thanks for commenting and for reading all this time!
      And very special thanks for the compliment, makes me feel a whole lot better!
      Ha ha ha on the “muffin face” !

      November 19, 2011 at 11:51 pm

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