“I Just Don’t Know What To Do.”
Thank the good Lord it’s Friday, GHers!
Forgive me for not posting yesterday. Not only was I still trying to recover from the Spencer Overdose, I had a very emotional day. The final reports from my surgeons told a story I just wasn’t prepared to read in black and white, even though I kinda knew how it would read. Due to the extent of my injuries, which only got worse after surgeries to correct the problem, I am unable to do my job anymore. The thing for me is that this was perhaps a job, but it was never work. I adored my job, and the only reason I ever agreed to keep having surgeries even after waking up with an infection that almost killed me, losing my hearing in one ear from the antibiotics I was given, and then sustaining damage to the level above the level they were fixing on my spine, was because I kept hoping that somehow, I would get “fixed” and be able to return. Looking back with 20/20 hindsight, yes, it’s clear to see that I was in denial. I guess I was just having a hard time dealing with what I have known my whole life: that sometimes God allows big changes in our lives for reasons we may never know, but He knows, and that should have been enough for me. Lesson learned. The one reason I do know this life change has been a a blessing is that had I never been forced to stop teaching, I would have never found my way to starting Bella Mafia, or to all of the fabulous friends I’ve made here.
How can I not be grateful for that?
For those who’ve asked me about the Stelly Event, I held out on answering this long because once again, I was hoping for a miracle. When the event was announced, I thought it would be right in Manhattan, that my sister and/or Karina would be going with me, and that maybe we’d stay in the City overnight and make a weekend of it, with some of you, my dearest friends I have yet to meet. (Creature of comforting habits). However, when I found out that a) the event was in Long Island City, a location I am not familiar with at all, and that b) because of the date, neither my daughter or sister could go with me due to previous commitments, everything went downhill fast. Because of the serious and unexpected complications after almost every surgery, I developed anxiety and PTSD a couple of years back. I can never anticipate what my reactions will be to noise or crowds, and without having my daughter or sister there to talk me through it, or even medicate me, as I tend to panic so much I cannot even think to reach for my meds myself sometimes, I was just overwhelmed at the thought of navigating the evening on my own. Add to that the fact that my husband was always worried sick that a misstep or a trip caused by the mass human traffic in NYC could send me right back to the hospital, and it was just too much to deal with mentally. Just thinking about it would give me palpitations. Believe me, it was such a difficult decision to make, as this was my dream come true – A JaSam Event on the East Coast! I kept hoping that something would change, and that at the last minute my sister would call me and say, “I’m In!”, but as of yet, it hasn’t happened. I guess I will have to live out my dream vicariously though all of you! *tears*
I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I will be thinking of you all EVERY SINGLE MINUTE!
MAKE ME PROUD!
Some people are better with change than others. I am not one of those people. 😉 I have lived in the same town my whole life, had the same job for my entire adult life, and *whispers* really hate change.
Now, I seem to be on the same wavelength as Sam and Jason.
“I Just Don’t Know What To Do.”
Seems most of Port Charles was feeling the same way.
When Luke showed up at the hospital, it seemed he had shown up for his intervention, part deux. Lulu was all over him for taking Aiden, putting him in the car, and bringing him to the hospital. She just couldn’t believe that after what happened with Jake, Luke would take that kind of a chance with Lucky’s and Liz’s baby boy. But, not that I am surprised, Lulu read his mind and figured out why Luke did it: Redemption. As we had the advantage in that we were the only witnesses to what Lucky was so desperately asking him to do, Lulu came off as incredibly judgmental and harsh, but in fairness, I guess it sounded a bit crazy to everyone else that Lucky would just call out of the blue and beg Luke to race Aiden to the hospital. Even more crazy-sounding must have been to hear from the medical staff that Aiden did in fact need to get to the hospital immediately and Luke getting him there when he did may be his only fighting chance. Which leaves Luke in a very uncomfortable position, He’s used to being hated, being blamed for all the bad stuff that happens to his children, but to hear that he may have actually helped them? It left Luke thinking, “I Just Don’t Know What To Do.”
Robin has had quite a few things going on during her tenure as the Chief of Staff, and she has had to make a bunch of tough decisions. Some were not popular, and some were even less popular. Yet the decision she was faced with on Thursday, was by far one of the most complicated she has ever had to make. On one side, she had veteran staffer and former COF, Monica suggesting they call the police for the bruises, since she feels Liz has been a bit neglectful (she never said abusive) in caring for her boys, as she is rarely the one doing the caring for. (No one could argue with Monica there) On the other end, she had Steve telling her that Aiden needs Maggie, while Robin reminded Maggie that she’s not on staff yet because she failed to follow protocol, and Maggie countering that it should be more important to save a life than to worry about paperwork. Decisions, decisions. Of course Robin was thinking, “I Just Don’t Know What To Do.” There was potential for something to go wrong with each of those scenarios, but in the end, Robin chose the one that might give Aiden his best fighting chance, and that was to let Maggie evaluate and try to diagnose.
When it was all said and done, and Liz did her long, sad walk to be with Aiden, Monica was thinking, “I Just Don’t Know What To Do,” as she struggled with apologizing to Liz for being so truthful. Incredibly, I agreed with Lulu when she said to Monica, “Hey, you lost Jake, too.” Honestly, I give the writers a lot of credit. They are obviously hearing the viewers’ opinions when it comes to the slut-who’s-written-as-a-saint. I call the GH comment lines daily – and I always let them know what I loved and didn’t love so much about the show. Many times, I have said that it really bothers me how Liz always has her kids at daycare, or with Gram, while she’s out doing her own thing (or doing some one, as is most often the case). It especially bothered me after Jake was hurt and she was at Wyndemere getting slammed into walls, it infuriated me when they were whisked off to Gram’s in the dead of night so she could go stop Nikolas from taking off on his jet, and mostly after Jake’s death, because I think her boys, namely Cam, needed her to be close during that time, yet she had time to go harass Nik and Brooklyn, and then Lucky and his new wife. I have also let them know how irksome it is for her to always play the victim around the men in her life, whether it be Lucky, Nik, Ethan, Matt, Dante, Jason, or anyone else. It’s as if she is allergic to men who are unattached, but becomes obsessed with needing them once they are with other people… like Rebecca, Brooklyn, Siobhan, and Sam. Liz is the worst kind of manipulator, and never EVER has to pay for any of her actions because she ALWAYS finds a way to become the fragile victim just in the nick of time! AND I have told them this, as I am sure many of you have! For instance, when she cheated on Lucky with his brother, and ended up pregnant AGAIN with another man’s child, Lucky couldn’t even write her out of his life because she went and dangled her little feet off the roof of the hospital, and needed to be rescued, rather than written off. When Monica confronted her about Jake, she blamed it on her and Jason, when Jason basically begged to tell his mother. But even then, she stuck out that 5-year-old’s pout, and whined about the danger it would mean for Jake to keep telling people (even though she told Luke and Laura – the non-biological grandparents, without even discussing it with Jason) When she slammed into Jason and Carly, and basically killed Siobhan, no one even questioned her because she was chasing Lucky down like a blood hound, and Dante felt sorry for her. Therefore, I thought Monica’s dialogue towards Liz, though maybe hard to hear for Liz fans, was RIGHT ON THE MONEY, and really the voice for all of us who are tired of the rusted-halo-wearing-toppled-pedastal-sitting Liz shedding a tear, and getting exactly what she wants! So, thank you, writers, for finally hearing us all. And GO MONICA!
I take from the ratings for last week that viewers are trying to send a very clear message to the GH writers, and that message is that putting women in the powerless position where they could be raped, especially as a motive to get to the men in their lives, is not something they are fond of. However, that being said, I must declare that Steve Burton and Kelly Monaco are bringing to this story such a vulnerability and a really complex mix of emotions, that I find myself crying through most of them. I know that this is a storyline that not everyone can watch, but the one thing it has done is make people FEEL, and FEEL DEEPLY. We owe that to Steve and Kelly. I hope that those of you who will be spending Saturday night with them will let them know just what a PHENOMENAL JOB they are doing!
As for Sam, my heart comes apart at the seams it needed to repair it since her last scene, at the very sight of her. She is trying so hard to make herself seem okay, for Spinelli, for Jason, and yes, even for herself. When Jason questioned her about asking Spinelli to stay, and she explained to Jason why she wants things and people who make her feel secure around her, I was immediately in tears. For Sam, who cannot connect with what (they assume) happened, it’s a lot easier to behave as though it didn’t. It’s a lot easier, and a lot more understandable that Sam would just turn to denial and shutting down at the very thought of it, much less discussions about it. Think about the possibility of having been through one of the most horrific things that could ever happen to anyone. If given the unbelievable option of never remembering a single moment of it, would you want to sit and discuss it over and over? There are times when the body itself does that very thing for us, after a traumatic event. It just sends that memory so far back or deep down that we can’t reach it, at times until the body thinks we can, and sometimes not at all. Yet, though Sam cannot recall a single thing about her (assumed) attack, she is forced to face Jason, who walks around tortured every single moment by what he did see.
And herein lies the crux of our problem.
Jason is a protector by nature. He wants to fix this for Sam, erase it for her, and make it better. Those are all things he has said to her. Those are all things none of us would have any trouble believing about Jason. But I imagine that for Sam, it grates on her ears, much the way it is when you are in excruciating pain, and someone says, “I wish I could take your pain for you”, because you know that’s impossible. In the same vein, it must be so hard for Jason to have to fold up his imaginary superhero cape and put it away around Sam, because there are no super powers or magic words that could help Sam here, unless he could roll back time and change the course of Franco’s plan. So, Jason is basically out of his element, off-kilter, and basically at a loss. His heart is shredding to pieces every single time he looks at Sam, remembers what happened while he looked on, but couldn’t stop it, and sees the walls going up, between them. Jason obviously read the pamphlet, and is trying to do all he can to keep Sam within arm’s reach, if not actually in his arms. I thought telling Sam, “I love you so much,” was just the right thing to say at just the right time, because Sam really needed to hear that she is still lovable to Jason, the way she heard it before any of this happened. It had to be one of those things that makes her feel secure.
How many of you lost it when Jason finally worked up the courage to hand Sam the pamphlet? *sobbing* Did you all think about how hard it was for Jason to even suggest this to Sam? Only love could drive someone to get over their own fears and doubts about a process like counseling or group therapy, and suggest it for the woman you love, even though it would take Jason out of the equation to help her. *bawling* I was so proud of him!
In turn, I absolutely sympathized with her when Sam told Jason that she could not sit with women she has nothing in common with, and hear their violent and awful stories, because she cannot remember anything violent or awful (Thank you, soap gods!) This was like another spark of hope, because when Sam woke up in Hawaii and told Jason what she remembered, she said “next thing I knew, you were in the bed with me.” Which means that she had a glimpse of a memory while drugged. I would think that if Franco had truly attacked her, that memory would have been made up of more than remembering Jason being in the bed with her. That’s my hope, and I’m not letting it go!
Sam struggling to try to get Jason to understand where she was coming from, and then telling him that she needed to be alone for a while just about tore my heart out. Jason’s expression so clearly showed how hearing that from his new bride affected him. I am glad, but broken, that Sam expressed how she loves Jason, and therefore, seeing him walk around with all of that pain in his eyes makes her want to hold him, and help him get through it, but she just can’t right now. Not until she figures out how to help herself. *sniveling*
Jason needing Sam to point out that he too, was Franco’s victim, may be something that Jason seems to not have put together until that very moment when Sam said it, and yet it may be the one detail that might allow these two to consider that the attack was really on Jason, and not Sam. At least, I can dream.
I know those closing scenes of Jason and Sam were heartbreaking, but they were also hopeful. Jason and Sam were finally able to connect physically, even if it was just by holding hands. I thought it was such a tender moment when they were holding hands, and Jason struggled with letting go of Sam’s, because it was a parallel to how hard it is for Jason to let Sam go have her time alone, when all he wants to do is pick her up and carry her upstairs, where he can hold her all night.
It’s just tragic and beautiful all at the same time, friends! *applause*
Mr. Wolf was not lying when he said that “this was not a sweeps story…It’s a love story”. The storyline is beautifully written when it comes to the love Jason and Sam share, and the acting couldn’t be any more flawless. The test here will really be how we get through it. Will we be able to ride this out to the end, or will it be something that makes us lose heart?
I’d like to challenge you to believe in the power of the lug nut, and all that it meant to Jason and Sam: indestructible, strong, and simple. Just like their love for each other. No matter how things look, or how far away they may seem at times, we need to remember that Jason and Sam are not that easily taken down. They will get through this, as long as we help each other get through this and keep supporting the LOVE STORY we can never lose sight of.
It is more important than ever to call, write, tweet, and email DAILY to let TPTB know that you may not have a Neilsen box, but you are watching, and you are watching every moment of The Morgan’s Love Story!
Did I mention the word DAILY???
Please give Steve and Kelly lots of love from Bella Mafia, and from me!
I love you all!