Focusing On The Things That Keep Us Watching

“A Sorrow Shared Is Half A Sorrow”…

That title is actually from a proverb someone wrote to me on my wedding day, and I’ve thought of it often during this storyline. I’ll tell you the rest of it later.

First, thanks for all of the good thoughts, the calls, the emails, the cards, the tweets, the DM’s, and of course – all the LOVE! I love you all!

I am feeling better every day. Went to see the eye doctor today because the eye that ended up getting infected still gets teary when I do anything that requires focus, but he just said I need to give it some time…our eyes are super sensitive. So, I finally let out that deep breath I was holding…my eye is going to be fine. My biggest problem is that I really am a chicken.

😉

I have to tell you that over the past couple of weeks, I have really struggled with not blogging over this storyline. Certainly I have had no shortage of thoughts about it, but today, I decided that even if I had to blog in 15 minute intervals and take breaks, then I would, because I feel like I might burst if I don’t get it all out. When I don’t “talk” to you guys about GH, I feel like I haven’t really processed it, so even though this story has been going on for a couple of (very long) weeks, for me it’s still “right here.”

And after Thursday’s episode, I realized I probably wouldn’t be able to sleep until I got it all out. If you can say nothing else about this storyline, you must admit that the actors have really dug deep and given their all. I won’t comment on the flow of the story, or what seem to be the missing days onscreen, as I try really hard to stay positive, but I will comment on what will matter to all of us for a long time to come.

First, let me just say that like most of you, I think Steve Burton and Jonathan Jackson have been doing a phenomenal job with this storyline. As both of them are fathers, I cannot even imagine the thoughts that race through their minds while acting out such a sad storyline involving the loss of a child. Tony Geary has made me want to strangle him one minute and feel sad for him the next, and Laura Wright has also done a really wonderful job showing her struggle between love and guilt.  And as always, our beloved Kelly Monaco never fails to move me, and sometimes even without saying more than a few words. *Applause* for all!

I sometimes think about my soap-watching history, and think of big moments I watched with my mom as a kid, and realize that I came to understand some tough “life lessons” from soaps before my mom had to struggle through the tough conversations with me. As I watched the day that Carly asked Jason for Jake’s kidney, I cried because I was so angry at Carly. I must have muttered the word “selfish” aloud, because my Vanessa, who is all but 9, gave me a hug, then looked at me and asked, “But wouldn’t you do the same thing for me?”

I must have blinked at her like a fool for a full minute, and then I really started to cry.

Why? Because when I thought about it, I realized that I would. In the moments where I would have to weigh being selfish or insensitive against saving my child’s life, I’d choose my child’s life EVERY SINGLE TIME. I had to thank Vanessa for helping me to see past a character I’m quick to lose patience with, like Carly, and realize that if it were my daughter’s life hanging in the balance, my love for my best friend would have to come second.  I also had to thank GH for the great moment. As tough as it has been to watch, accidents and tragedies do happen.

When I look back at the beginning of this storyline, I really struggle with a lot of different emotions all at once. So much has happened, but I haven’t really felt it all at once. Do you understand what I mean? For instance, I have struggled almost every day with crying in one scene, and then being taken to a completely different place emotionally in the next. Like watching Lucky and Luke in the throes of devastation one moment, and then watching Suzanne apparently take out The Balkan. Today, I was sobbing as I watched Jason struggle with his sense of loss one moment, and then had to listen to Brenda laughing and discussing wedding gifts as though she has never even heard Jason’s name, and he had not just put his whole life on hold for her for the past eight months!

If GH was trying to remind us that even in the face of life’s greatest tragedies, life goes on, ummm…mission accomplished. I just wish that the people Jason has sacrificed so much for over the years, could have sacrificed just a little discomfort or inconvenience to be there for him, as none of them knew that Jason would not attend Jake’s funeral ahead of time. I hope Jason can perhaps move them all down his list of big priorities now.

Which brings us to Jason’s decision to not attend Jake’s memorial. What a hotbed of controversy that was, huh? Twitter was AFIRE with heated debate on both sides, and as usual, that brought out the UGLY in some people who just couldn’t grasp the idea that Steve Burton is NOT really Jason Morgan. That always bugs me the most.

But, back to Jason. Of course, my opinion is only my own, and I am positive that many of you will disagree…and that’s okay. I love hearing everyone’s side on big issues like this one. As for me, I actually completely understood Jason’s decision to not attend the memorial, and like Sam, I respect him for it and would have stood by him. Let me explain why…but we have to go back a bit.

When Jake was hit and found by Liz, she immediately called Jake’s father, Lucky. It doesn’t matter whose blood ran through Jake’s veins, because Liz’s immediate and only reaction was to call Lucky. Now, thanks to what seemed like random scenes several weeks ago when Liz broke the law to call Jason to advise him of Sam’s pregnancy test, we know that she does know how to get in touch with Jason. It’s not that she didn’t have the number, or didn’t dare to call Jason. She just didn’t think to. Lucky called Jason. Liz didn’t call Jason because she didn’t feel the need to share her heartbreak, fear, or devastation with Jason.

Why? Because quite frankly, Liz has never felt the need to share Jake with Jason at all. For all of those who are suffering from selective amnesia and say that Liz tried to share Jake with Jason, I beg them to step out of their denial and go back and revisit that history. Did Liz want to share a bed with Jason? Yes. Did she want to share lonely nights with Jason? Yes. Did she want to share stolen moments with Jason, while not having anyone know what she was really doing while her boys were at Gramm’s or daycare? Yes. But go back and watch. Even when Liz and Jason were “together”, Liz only shared funny little anecdotes or a stray picture with Jason. She wasn’t sharing Jake with Jason, she was only sharing hers and Lucky’s experiences with Jake. To me, that was always more cruel than not telling him a thing.

Now, I know there are some who want to focus on the couple of times that Liz got brave and declared her willingness to risk it all to be together with Jason, but really, those moments never lasted more than a shift at the hospital! The one time she got him to propose, Michael was shot, and then almost immediately, Liz was telling Jason that she could never forgive herself if anything like that happened to one of her sons. Jason didn’t even get a glimpse of Jake. Then the second time she decided she was willing to take a chance six months later, she hurled her phone across the room the very first time Jason called and said he couldn’t make dinner, much like she hurled the vase of flowers after reading those paternity results on Thursday. Again, she didn’t ask Jason to stop by when he was done “doing what he does” so he could kiss Jake good-night! She didn’t even offer to let him talk to Jake on the phone like many of us do when our husbands are stuck at work. How was that sharing Jake?

Once again, however, she vowed to fight to be together after Jason’s coffee shop was burned down, she traipsed all over town to make sure the Russians knew exactly who she was and how they could use her against Jason, and then ended up needing to leave PC with her kids and Sam in order to be safe. I know I don’t need to remind anyone how that turned out. I’m not sure about you, but when Liz came running out of that cabin screaming, “Jason, you go find MY baby!”, I didn’t really get the feeling that she was sharing Jake with Jason then either.

Following that, Liz told anyone and everyone that would listen that she didn’t really even “know” Jason, therefore couldn’t really be in love. She moved on after Jason promised not to call anymore, and paid for her house, and set up a $5 million trust fund, but she kept sharing Jake with Lucky, and never even sent Jason a discreet Christmas card with Jake’s photo. Even when she blew the money on a crazy ass investment, and poor Jake was left with no college fund, she didn’t tell Jason. How is that sharing?

Then, as if Fate was giving Jason a preview of what was coming, Jason had to watch his son get run down by a car at the Carnival, had to help dig him out from under a carnival tent, only to hear Liz tell Jake that she and “Daddy” were both there as she hurried off with Lucky and Jake towards the hospital. Even at the hospital, Liz was nothing less than dismissive of Jason as he struggled to deal with almost losing his son. “I’ll let you know what happens.” In other words, don’t hang out here – we’ll call you. Even when they knew something, it was Lucky who found Jason to let him know Jake’s prognosis, as Liz was reacting to the news by fantasizing about Lucky’s brother. Was that sharing?

Liz never shared the good times with Jason, and she never shared the bad times either. Liz never shared Jake with Jason at all. The night at the hospital after Jake got hit this time, Liz never once thought to call Jason, even though she had no idea Lucky had “shared” the news with Jason. When she saw Jason, she asked when he had gotten there, but never once apologized for not calling him.

She did however, share her regrets with Jason, and immediately started to apologize for letting Jake get out the door while she was distracted. Even there, in front of Jake’s room, she said to Jason that she and Lucky had not yet seen Jake. She didn’t ask Jason if he’d seen him, or even if he wanted to. She didn’t seem to be sharing even her grief over their son with him at all!

I, like many of you, reacted as though I’d been slapped when Liz hauled off and slapped Jason. I totally got that she was probably still  in shock over losing her son, and before that moment, I had cried for Liz, I truly had. Yet, perhaps what stung me the most about that slap was that it didn’t really seem to come from the fact that Jake’s kidney was needed. Maybe it was just me, but the fact that the devastating conversation about donating Jake’s organs had already been discussed with Liz and Lucky, including the fact that the gift of organ donation could help save other lives, made me  flinch when I heard Liz screech at Jason that he could not use Jake for “spare parts.” That had to hurt so much more than the slap!

Perhaps if her grief had come through in shades of pain about not being ready to take that step, or not being able to face that finality yet, I could have sympathized with Liz more. However, that’s not what I heard. Instead, Liz was seething at Jason because he was, in her own venomous words, “A selfish bastard.” But what shocked me most, was what followed. Liz accused Jason of: “CHOOSING not to parent Jake.”

Ummm? Is it me? When exactly did JASON choose that? I don’t ever remember Liz giving him another choice BUT to walk away, at least not one that he could live with! She had barely told Jason about Jake’s paternity before she asked him to act like he hadn’t heard her say it. And then to follow that up with, “Just like you chose not to be with me.” That’s where any warm and fuzzy feelings I entertained for Liz turned ice cold. She wouldn’t even share her feelings about Jake with Jason. Just her clouded perceptions about how their relationship had gone down, and the loss that she and Lucky felt, the hole they would be left with. I’m sorry, but whether Jason raised Jake or not, he loved him, and felt the loss like a parent. How dare she?

I know that Liz apologized for that outburst, and she apologized for not sharing Jake with Jason, but dammit – it was too little too late. As I tweeted last week with an angry, but broken heart, she couldn’t even share the one toy Jason had shared with his son! When Jason handed that toy motorcycle back to Liz, and she actually took it, I couldn’t even look at her anymore. The only thing she was willing to share with Jason were regrets, and Jason had enough of those on his own.

Which brings us to Jake’s memorial.

A memorial is about sharing. You share your memories, your remembrances, and the moments you shared with the one you’ve lost. Jason couldn’t do any of that, and my God, to have him sit there as he listened to everyone else share those things would be almost cruel.

Some have said that Jason should have attended as an outsider, just to honor Jake, like Jax or Carly, or the Scorpios, or anyone else who attended, because for those who are not immediate family, you share in the grief of those who loved the one being remembered. Jason couldn’t do that either. How could anyone expect Jason to walk in there and act like a sympathetic friend while Steven eulogized his son, and Lucky prayed for their futures, and he just sat there keeping it together?

How I wish that before people went off on Jason (or even worse – on Steve) they would stop and realize something very telling. Liz didn’t even bat an eyelash at Jason’s absence. I don’t just think it was the writing, people. It was completely consistent with how she has viewed Jason when it comes to Jake all along: non-existent.

And for those angry that Jason attended Baby Lila’s memorial, and not Jake’s – please. The two situations are nothing alike. Sam shared her daughter with Jason from her first heartbeats to literally her last. Sam shared her baby’s life with Jason in every way possible, even before the baby was physically a part of theirs. Sam had told Jason that even though he wasn’t going to be her baby’s biological father, he was going to be her dad. Jason would share in midnight feedings, see her first smile, hear her first words, watch her first steps. When tragedy struck Sam and her baby, she called out for Jason. They experienced that loss together. Sam shared her devastations and her tears, her hopelessness and her fears with Jason. And when Jason walked into that memorial service with Sam, it was not just to “literally hold her upright”, but to share in Sam’s grief, and in her loss, and to get through it together. He sat in that front row with Sam because he knew his place in Baby Lila’s life – front and center, and that was his place at her memorial as well.

That was not the case with Jake. He didn’t have a place there, and he couldn’t share anything as Jake’s biological father or his dad. That’s the difference. That has always been the difference between Sam and Jason and Liz and Jason. Never has that difference been more significant than now.

Jason said he had only been there for Jake the night he was born, and the night he died. No matter how wrong he was for letting Liz convince him it was the right thing to do, it doesn’t change the fact that he did it believing it was an act of love. I was glad for Jason that this time, he didn’t let anyone tell him how he should honor his son’s memory. For Jason, it wasn’t attending a memorial that he couldn’t really share with Jake’s family. It was spending time with the little girl who will always carry a piece of Jake with her. A child whose life, and that part of Jake, he can always share, because he’s not just allowed to, but asked to.

Just one more difference.

I took the time to call and write to thank the writers for a few things, and will continue to do so in an effort to balance out the death threats from the other side. I really hope you’ll join me.

First, I wanted to thank them for reminding us all that once upon a time, Jason shared the loss of a child he loved with the woman who was willing to share her child with him. So many of the moments Jason and Sam shared reminded me of Jason being there for Sam before her baby’s memorial. This time it was a tie instead of pearls, but the message was the same: Jason had to decide how he would honor Jake. No one else could decide for him.

I also wanted to thank them for showing us ALL once again why a baby for Jason and Sam wouldn’t be about replacing Jake, or about grief, no matter what anyone says.  Jason and Sam may have finally realized that LOVE and the SHARING of that love and their lives are the only things we can guarantee our children. Nothing else is within our control. THAT would be the only reason to decide to have a baby, so on that front, Jason and Sam may be the most prepared parents in Port Charles. I’m rooting for them to finally get to experience a baby “conceived in so much love”…not grief, or drunken rebound sex. A baby they can share…

Oh, the last part of that proverb I quoted in our title is…” A Sorrow Shared Is Half A Sorrow, And A Joy Shared Is Double Joy!”

That’s my wish for Jason and Sam, who together, have shared it all!

Lastly, I thanked them for some much needed closure. 

Now let’s move on!

Please remember to also call and email to get TPTB to realize that we all believe losing Tyler Christopher in the role he created as our Cassadine Prince would be a huge mistake! Remind them of how many connections Nikolas has, not just on the canvas, but to our heartstrings! Let them know that Tyler’s talent is something we’re not willing to lose without a fight!

General Hospital without a Cassadine at Wyndemere is like hospital without a doctor! (I almost said “A Quartermaine”, but we already have that. Paging Monica Quartermaine doesn’t count!)

I love sharing GH with all of you…

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19 responses

  1. lfmnikita

    Hi Angelique,

    I was so happy to see that you are back…..
    I’m very glad that you are feeling better, I was very worried (as everyone else who got to know you through your exceptional wisdom & writing).
    Watching GH without your comments and insights wasn’t the same.
    Hope you will recover soon.

    Hugs & best wishes,

    April 1, 2011 at 7:33 am

    • alwaysaromantic

      First let me welcome you back Angelique it was not the same without you! I hope and pray you are doing better and will continue to do so!
      Once again Thank You for your insightful perspective you will never know how much it was missed! You have to be so proud of your daughter for stepping in the way she did and doing a great job! She realizes how important we all are to each other. And how we rely on on this blog.
      I was struggling with this sl for many different reasons but I found my peace with it.The scene between Jason and Sam and he is sitting in the chair crying and he apologizes to Sam for not being able to talk about his pain! Sam being Sam basically telling him that its ok she understood and she Loves him! Classic Jason and Sam.I really did not not what to expect with this sl! But I will tell you this much it does not hold a Candle to Baby Lila! How could it! Great acting from everyone but the scenes between Jason and Lucky,priceless!My opinion of Liz has not changed its probably worse—-I dare she! I mean are you kidding me!I gave her sympathy for losing her child but her conversation with Jason was like what recall are you doing!Even though Jason and Sams scenes have been short but as always it leaves you in awe!I give the writers kudos for how they handle a situation
      that should have never been. I am not referring to Jake but I am making a reference to Liz and how unaffair she has been to so many especially Jason,Lucky and Sam!

      April 1, 2011 at 6:32 pm

  2. jenn

    Oh Bella!

    Some people read the newspaper when they wake up each morning, and some of us are lucky enough to have you instead. (And honestly, you write better than most of the journalists around here.)

    My tears yesterday were as much for Sam’s baby as they were Jason’s. Those scenes were so reflective of their history and so “them.”

    I tell you, some people are very lucky. I can’t explain it any other way. Because anyone willing to criticize how someone else processes grief and deals with loss must have never experienced it themselves. I don’t care that Jason, Lucky, and Liz are fictional – they’re supposed to be representing grieving parents. Sure, Jason would’ve been welcome at that funeral (unlike Alexis – remember that…) but not as a parent. And please, what parent does want to go to their child’s funeral. He needs to find his own way, just like the rest of them. I’m just happy he’s going to find his way with Sam, the same way she did with him.

    (Now back to tweeting…)

    Love you!

    April 1, 2011 at 7:33 am

  3. Jessica

    BRAVO! *Stands and applauds*

    I am glad you are back! You have been missed dearly. &&& what a post to come back to! I love that you can put my thoughts onto the paper. Sam and Jason were always meant to have a baby, and I for one cannot wait.

    Thank you for your thoughts, and I hope you continue to recuperate!

    Jessica 🙂

    April 1, 2011 at 9:00 am

  4. Deborah

    So glad you’re back and that you continue to progress in your recovery. Your daughter did such a great job on the Sunday Drive but we’ve missed your daily insights. I’ve been going crazy wanting to hear what you were thinking about what was going.
    When Jason said he missed all the important things in Jake’s life, I remembered Sam saying Lila’s memorial was the only event she’ll ever go to for her daughter. What were your thoughts about not showing the memorial at all?

    April 1, 2011 at 10:52 am

  5. This is the most heartbreaking and the very best article you have ever given us, Angelique. It brought the tears, yes, but also summed up in every way the emotions that we all have felt these past weeks. I feel as though you have put my thoughts and feelings into every word. Thank you. I truly wish it could be read by every GH fan, no matter their “fanbase”. It was beautiful.
    On another note, we are so grateful to hear you are doing better, and you are a real trouper to give us such a wonderful synopsis of GH and recent shows. Spot on. Again, thank you. Blessings to you all. You are so very special to us.

    April 1, 2011 at 10:57 am

  6. JasamFan

    Woke up this morning turned on the computer.. made my coffee.. sat down and clicked on Bella Mafia.. You should have seen the smile that came over me when I saw you had blogged.

    Welcome Back BEAUTIFUL.. you have been missed more than you know!

    As I sit here I am at a loss for words, a first for me just ask my family. But thats ok as you have said everything I have been feeling, and you said it better than I ever could.

    So happy you are doing better!

    Love
    Becky

    April 1, 2011 at 12:04 pm

  7. Woman…I love you…I love your perspective…I love your heart. I am delighted that you are recovering, and I look forward to reading many more blogs from you. Thank you always.

    April 1, 2011 at 12:49 pm

  8. Carol

    Bella,
    I am so sorry you have been ill. I havent been around much lately, but personal stuff happening and not too excited about my favorite couple lately because Sam seems to be missing on screen a lot.
    I loved your blog and just wanted to add that when Jason said something to Sam about not hurting Liz more, I was thinking that Sam should have told him that Liz is the one that kept you away from Jake. Sam wanted Jason to be a part of Jake’s life when she first found out he was Jason’s and that is one of the reasons Liz didnt want Sam to know.
    I think it would be great if tptb would let Sam tell Jason she knows exactly how he feels because she too lost a child and never even got to hold her. I can’t imagine what other feelings must be going thru Sam’s mind. Losing Jason and all the other crazy things that happened that summer. She must be feeling the guilt all over again about watching Jake get kidnapped (i still say she was drugged).
    Once again I am glad you are doing better and promise to drop by more often because you always give me a good respective on my favorite couple.

    April 1, 2011 at 12:50 pm

  9. Lizziebear

    I have to say thank you for sharing your perspective on this whole storyline. it was much needed and welcome.

    ITA that as sad as it can be but i should thank the writers as well for the much needed and long over due closure we finally got. which is exactly what it is.

    April 1, 2011 at 5:14 pm

  10. Brenda Askew

    Glad you’re back and feeling better! You always seem to know exactly what I’ve been thinking about (ok ranting about in my mind)and you always put it so eloquently. Thanks

    April 1, 2011 at 11:45 pm

  11. Zainab

    i’m so happy someone shares my views on everything that happened for the past week… i TOTALLY agree with every point you raised, thanks for sharing your views with us, its good to have you back

    April 2, 2011 at 7:20 am

  12. Traveler

    Welcome back.. I was sorry to read you are not feeling well. Hope you are on your way to a speedy recovery…..

    Bravo on this Blog. Bravo.. Bravo.. Bravo!! I loved and agreed with every word!!

    April 2, 2011 at 10:50 am

  13. Sonia

    Woo I am so loving this post.. I am reading
    it and is in tears, as every word said is
    the truth about Liz and her manupilation.
    I said Jason did the right thing not attending
    the Memorial.Just love Sam in all this sorry,
    she is Jason rock, and as you said really hope
    Jason and Sam get theirn well love deserve baby. Sorry should have start off to say glad
    to see your eyes are getting better

    April 2, 2011 at 7:46 pm

  14. soapfanfiction

    Okay Bella. Get out of my head.

    You just wrote everything I was feeling about the Memorial, the tie vs necklace and of course the Nightmare Nurse of Port Chuckles.

    I truly have to applaud Burton, Wright, Jackson, Geary, Reeves and of course Monaco for tearing my heart out for over 2 wks. I have run out of tissue, used a ton of eye drop solution and rewound over and over the Emmy worthy work of all.

    I also am glad that he can Share Josslyn and have that chance to hold, love and read to a little person again. The other fan peeps keep forgetting ONE major point. Jason has lost a chance at fatherhood 5 times. Michael he let Sonny be the “father” while he was always the cool Uncle Jason.Courtney’s baby, Lila, Hope and then Jake.

    He has EARNED his chance at parenting and it should be a child conceived in LOVE, wanted and wished for and most importantly with someone who loves and accept him, wants to Parent with him and will love that child just as much.

    Be Well my friend and cant wait for Sunday Drive.

    April 3, 2011 at 2:48 am

  15. Sonya

    Thank you so much for taking the time to express everything I have been feeling about the entire Jake situation. It is sad that Jake had to die but the irony in this story is so profound. I even think this is why Jason needs to be so angry at Luke. To Jason if Luke hit Jake…then this wasn’t a random accident. Luke is at fault because had he not been drinking he would have been more alert and not hit Jake. I think Jason has to believe that because the alternative is this is a no fault accident in which his four year old was in the middle of the road in the middle of the night. Jason is supposed to be logical…so it has to have run through his mind that Jake should have been safe and secure in the home he bought for his family. I think subconsciously and maybe even consciously Jason realizes that his blind faith in Liz was not well placed. All Jason wanted was to do the right thing for his child so that he would have a happy and normal life. Jason has so few memories of Jake and no he is gone. And despite the horror that has been Michael’s life…Jason has special memories and his love all because he was allowed to be apart of Michael’s life. Jason and Joss will now have a special bond as well. Thank you for such a terrific blog! And I am glad you are starting to feel better.

    April 4, 2011 at 6:34 pm

    • I agree with you my friend!
      Thanks!
      😉

      April 6, 2011 at 11:02 pm

  16. Kristana

    What a great article on a good part of this story! Jason’s decision not to attend Jake’s memorial service made sense in the end, but you put it into words that beautifully explained why. I wish all of the GH fans would read this:)

    April 5, 2011 at 6:24 pm

    • Thanks so much for that. I always hope people “get” what I’m trying to say.
      I appreciate you taking the time to read the blog and to comment!
      Hugs!

      April 6, 2011 at 11:02 pm

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